I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
