We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
