dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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