bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
