I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
