Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize