I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
