you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
