A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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