so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I am one with the molecules
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize