Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
