We're like a lot better than the average bears
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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