Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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