OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
