Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
