we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
