No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
