return my video game
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
