My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
