So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
