Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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