Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Randomize
