Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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