i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
