Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
