Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Why is there bacon in the couch?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
