Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
