Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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