just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
