47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
