dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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