We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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