Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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