There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Your mouth is God's brothel.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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