Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
