I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
