hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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