We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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