Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
