She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
