halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
why do cheetos always look like penises
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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