you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
