halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
