im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
