how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
