Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
