be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
