Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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