So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
