i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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