I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
