i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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