i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
