It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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