Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
