I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize