I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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