you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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