when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
