im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just pynch a tree in the face
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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