I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
