i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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