Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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