Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
