my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
