I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Randomize
