No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize
