cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
there's paper in my vomit.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize